Costello: You’re telling me! What a match-up—New York and San Francisco!

Abbot: I know! The San Francisco Giants have always been my favorite team!

Costello: No, no, that’s baseball. This is football. It’s the San Francisco 49ers.

Abbot: Really? I thought the Giants were playing!

Costello: Yes, the New York Giants.

Abbot: They were the New York Giants, but then they moved to San Francisco.

Costello: No, you’re still thinking of the baseball team. This is the football team.

Abbot: Well how many stinking Giants are there in New York?!

Costello: None right now. They’re in San Francisco.

Abbot: Exactly! That’s what I’m saying!

Costello: No, they’re just in San Francisco this weekend to play the 49ers.

Abbot: Well, how did they get there?

Costello: I don’t know, probably with a jet.

Abbot: A New York Jet?

Costello: I would assume so.

Abbot: Why would they take a Jet?

Costello: Well how else would they get to the game?

Abbot: I don’t know. I just don’t see why the Giants would take a Jet.

Costello: How would they fly across the country without a jet?

Abbot: Isn’t the plane just for their team?

Costello: Every NFL team these days has its own giant jet.

Abbot: . . . You make no sense! Just tell me who the Giants’ best player is.

Costello: Well, that’s tough to say. They have many good players—Manning, Tuck, Nicks—

Abbot: Now wait just a minute! You and I both know the Knicks are a basketball team! You just said yourself we’re talking about football now!

Costello: Yes, but Nicks also makes catches for the Giants.

Abbot: So you’re telling me that Nicks is the catcher for the San Francisco Giants?

Costello: No! Nicks is the wide receiver for the New York Giants!

Abbot: So it’s Nicks versus the 49ers?

Costello: No, I believe the Knicks are playing the 76ers.

Abbot: Good God, man! How many are there!? 49 or 76?

Costello: Well, I believe there are 53 49ers and 12 76ers.

Abbot: Enough! Just tell me one player to keep an eye on during this game.

Costello: Jason Pierre-Paul.

Abbot: I said one player! That’s three!

Costello: No, it’s one.

Abbot: Well which is it? Jason, Pierre, or Paul?

Costello: All of them. They’re all the same person.

Abbot: What is this, the trinity?! Now you’re talking like a mad man!

Costello: Just calm down. It’ll all make sense on Sunday.

I’m dreaming of a wet Christmas
‘cause it don’t feel like winter yet
May your days, may your days, may your days be rainy and damp
And may all your Christmases be wet

TAMPA – After failing to show up to a weekly team tea and book club get-together, Green Bay Packers MVP quarterback Aaron Rodgers was declared dead. The Tampa Police Department has issued an official statement reporting the cause of death to be an act of cannibalism and has indicted several Tampa Bay Buccaneer players.

On Tuesday, November 29, more than a week after he led the Packers to a 35-26 win over the Bucs, Aaron Rodgers, 26, was vacationing on a Florida beach with family for the Thanksgiving weekend. There he was allegedly apprehended by the Buccaneers and then eaten by several defensive players at team facilities.

Seventeen Buccaneer players are rumored to have participated.

Police Captain Becker Felts was asked if he suspected foul play on behalf of the Buccaneers, premeditated after the loss.

“Initially, yes,” he said. “We suspected this horrible act was a result of retaliation, revenge for the loss a few weeks ago. But after further investigation, Rodgers’ death is just a result of ignorance and misguided motivation.”

Police have determined that the players involved were so stimulated and “pumped up” from a halftime speech by enthusiastic head coach Raheem Morris that they were induced to go after Rodgers days after the game was over.

“It’s definitely sad,” Morris said in an afternoon press conference. “Aaron was a talented young man. A talented quarterback, a great competitor. It’s a loss for the Packers, a loss for the league. But this is football. These things happen. Next man up.”

Morris was asked about the implications that his halftime speech was a motivating factor in the crime.

“That’s football,” he said. “It’s physical. It’s brutal. It’s a battle. A man’s game. Eat or be eaten. Unfortunately, my guys took that out of context and made a mistake.”

“Heck, we’re the youngest team in the league,” he continued. “I know that. You all know that. These are the type of mistakes that are fixable, and that’s what we are going to do. We’re gonna go out there, put on the pads, and fix them.”

Earlier this season, Morris referred to his team as being “Yungry”, a word he coined to describe the mentality of his players—a combination of young and hungry. On reported occasions, he has even been seen wearing a customized baseball cap with the word embroidered on it.

Commissioner Roger Goodell has yet to rule on the incident because he is busy dealing with other league matters.

“There will be no ruling on the Rodgers matter at this time,” Goodell has said. “My time and energy is locked up in the atrocities of this past weekend. Excessive celebrations, such as Mr. Johnson’s, will not tolerated. We are a league of professionals and men, not ten-year-old boys.”

A league source reported he does not foresee any suspensions, calling the incident a “confusing situation for everyone”. According to the collective bargaining agreement set in place at the beginning of the season, there are no rules addressing cannibalism.

Bucs GM Mark Dominik was asked if the players responsible would be dealt with internally.

“We do not plan on punishing anyone,” he said. “This is a league matter, so we’ll sit on it and wait until there are any further developments.”

Though refusing to speak to reporters, many of the accused players have been very active on twitter:

@AdrianCalyaborn: Any Leftovers?!? #LMFAO

@TJAX: Gotta do what ya gotta do. #when you get the munchies

@QBlack58: And that ladies and gentleman, is why they call me the cheetah. #rip Rodgers

@Gmccoy: Hey, Suh, is that all you got? Stomping on someone? #i ate a man for less

Some Buccaneers were not so amused.  Veteran cornerback Ronde Barber criticized Coach Morris publicly yesterday on his weekly talk show.

“Rah is my boy,” he said. “But this, this is unacceptable. He’s gotta put his foot down and get some control. I have been in the league 15 years and never seen anything like it.”

“This would have never flown back in the days with Dungy. Gruden, maybe. Sure. Chucky was, well, Chucky; those gingers are always unpredictable. But Tony? Never. Tony would be disappointed with us. That’s a fact. He said prayers over everything, and we couldn’t even say a blessing over Aaron before eating him? I’m disgusted at the lack of etiquette presented and the failure to pay attention to detail.  That’s on the coach. That kinda stuff kills you.”

“No pun intended,” he added with a chuckle.

When asked if they ate him alive, RB LaGerrate Blount laughed, shaking his head.

“No no, of course not,” he said. “I knocked him out with my helmet first. It was the defensive guys’ thing. I was just tagging along. Geno (Hayes) went at him first, but missed. And Talib left his gun at his mom’s, so I just picked up my helmet and improvised. Rodgers didn’t know what hit him.”

Quarterback Josh Freeman thinks the incident has drawn the young Bucs closer together and will give the team momentum the rest of the year.

“We were having a rough year, but this sort of thing, yeah, it brings you together, like Thanksgiving dinner,” he said. “We needed an edge, we needed some fire. I’m not condoning eating a man, don’t get me wrong. But there’s nothing wrong with passion and a little ferocity.”

The Buccaneers, who had high hopes for the season after posting a strong 10-6 record last season while barely missing the playoffs, are currently at 4-7, essentially eliminated from playoff contention. They have lost five games in a row, and face a 3-8 Carolina Panthers team this week, which will be, in essence, a battle for last place in the NFC South.

Morris says the incident and bad press will not hinder the team’s preparation, and despite losing five straight games, the team’s confidence is at an all-time high.

“We’re a confident bunch,” he said. “We know what we can do. They just ate an MVP quarterback. That shows you their confidence level. These kids have heart. They keep fighting. We’re focused on this week’s game and we’ll be ready. And, yeah, we’re still yungry.”

“A little Panther for desert would hit the spot,” he added with a wry smile.

Other related news:

*Tampa Bay DT Gerald McCoy, who is on IR with a left bicep tear, tore his right bicep muscle during the incident and will have surgery next week.

** Police are also looking into a lead that newly acquired free agent Albert Haynesworth, known for his bad influence on locker rooms in Tennessee, Washington, and most recently New England, was possibly the lead instigator and concocted the plan.

Last week, Haynesworth was quoted as being “excited to help lead these young players” and that though he would not consider himself young anymore, he has “always been hungry.” One of his ex-teammates, Redskins TE Chris Cooley, has refuted these statements, saying he was a “locker room cancer” who “hated football”, whose hunger “was for cheeseburgers and fries”, not the game.

***In a pair of tweets this afternoon, outspoken Jets head coach Rex Ryan was solemn:

“One of the best.  Great footwork” #Aaron Rodgers

A previous post reads:

“Best feet in the league” #he will be missed.

“We don’t want to be bailed out,” said protester Anthony Sereski from a jail cell in the Metropolitan Correctional Center in lower Manhattan. “Bail outs are for greedy corporations whose only concern is oppressing people like us with the government’s help.”

“There’s no telling how long we’ll be here. We’ll be here until a point is made.”

The goal of the Occupy Jail movement remains unfocused, but according to the movement’s website, about 1% of Americans are currently incarcerated while the other 99% must accept the burden of freedom in a sagging economy.

“The government is catering specifically to their needs, housing and feeding them, while the rest of us are left to fend for ourselves,” says protester Jose Garcia, who still has yet to be arrested. “Those inmates have been swindling the American taxpayers for years. They’re stealing from the middle class to enjoy their carefree lifestyles while the rest of us are out there busting our butts trying to find steady employment. The rules are bent in their favor, and we’re not going to stand for it anymore. The government continues to rig the system for them while ignoring the rest of us. We are the 99%!”

So far, city officials around the country have been happy to accommodate the Occupy Jailers.

“It’s important to me that we take the concerns of these protesters seriously,” said New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “If they want to take to the city’s jails to spread their message, we are more than happy to meet them half-way and arrest them. As long as they don’t become violent or disrupt the peace, they are free to share their ideas…well, as free as you can be while imprisoned. We just want good behavior out of them, but not too good, because then we’d have to release them on good behavior, and neither side wants that.”

Bloomberg added that if any protesters were to become unruly, they would have to shift their efforts and Occupy A Solitary Confinement Cell instead.

Henry Jackson has been an inmate at the Metropolitan Correctional Center since September, and he can understand why others might want the life he has.

“Life is good,” Jackson says. “We get three meals served to us each day. We have a workout room with state-of-the-art equipment. We have a rec room with ping pong tables and pool tables and HD TV’s. We play bingo every Tuesday night. We have a nice library with new computers. In a few weeks we’ll have the chance to sign up for free business classes. It’s definitely better than being out on the streets, or being unemployed with a mortgage to pay.”

Of course, it will be impossible for city officials to meet the demands of each and every protester; the jails can only fit so many people. For that reason, some Occupiers have initiated plans to begin targeting nursing homes next.

The family of a man named Frank Abel has accused Cain of killing their father many years ago. Their attorney released this statement earlier today:

There is no doubt about it. Cain killed Abel, and then lied about it. He brought him out into a field, and when no one was looking, he smashed his head with a rock. This heinous act has gone unpunished long enough. It is time for Cain to pay for his transgressions.

Similar allegations were levied against Cain back in 1994 when he was still the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. Abel had been a delivery driver for one of the chain’s stores, and following Abel’s mysterious death, Cain was asked by the owner of Godfather’s (simply known as God) where Abel was when he died. According to the police investigation, Cain then responded to God, saying, “I do not know. Am I my delivery driver’s keeper?”

Despite these strong claims, no formal charges have been made, but authorities have re-launched the investigation that ended inconclusively 17 years ago. They plan to conduct a thorough background check on how Cain’s former business acquired the name Godfather’s Pizza and whether or not that could have anything to do with Cain being a hit-man.

It had been reported that Abel was delivering a pizza with anchovies when Cain allegedly apprehended him. According to an affidavit, witnesses claimed that Cain had killed Abel and then placed him back in his delivery car, smeared anchovies over his face, and made it appear as though he had fallen asleep at the wheel.

“Sleeping with fishes,” remarked Cain wryly.

Cain’s parents are distraught over the allegations and have vowed to police that no fig leaf will be left unturned in the investigation. They have agreed to facilitate DNA testing that may shed light on additional claims that Abel may indeed have been Cain’s estranged brother.

They have also issued an edict to “never take sides against the family…because this is the type of thing that ends up happening”.

The issue could be settled out of court if Cain extends to Abel’s attorney an offer he can’t refuse.

“Holy Ghost Hormone is a mysterious drug that can sometimes be difficult to detect,” says Bill Carrington, head of the PEDRC. “Despite the amount of work we’ve put it, we still find it astoundingly difficult to understand exactly how it works.”

Speculation has arisen as to where Tebow acquired the HGH. One function of the PEDRC is to ensure NFL locker rooms are not being used as staging grounds for the side-businesses of rogue athletic trainers who latch on to players and hook them on PED’s, a situation that plagued Major League Baseball for years. Tebow, though, insists that he acquired the HGH from a legitimate source — “The Source” as he called it.

“I get my HGH from him everyday,” Tebow said in a statement released today. “Sometimes I use it in the locker room, sometimes at home, sometimes in the car on the way to the field. Doesn’t really matter where. It’s not an over-the-counter type of thing, but you can find it pretty much anywhere. You just have to ask for it.”

The drug can be ingested by several different means — through the reading of scripture, through prayer, through worship, etc. The PEDRC has listed side effects such as increased love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things the NFL has formed no law, which is why Tebow will not face a suspension.

“The jury is still out on whether HGH will actually make you better at football,” says Carrington, “but it definitely can’t hurt. And as far as we can tell, there are no negative side effects.”

Tebow says he has been using HGH for what seems like his whole life and credits it for much of his success, both on and off the field.

“It’s hard to pick an exact moment when HGH became a part of my life, but definitely by the time I was in high school I was pretty dependent on it,” he says. “Then when I became the starter at Florida I started ramping it up quite a bit. I knew I wouldn’t survive all the pressure and temptations without it. And now in the NFL, I feel like I need it even more.”

Carrington says the PEDRC’s research has shown that a very small percentage of players in the league have actually experimented with HGH.

“It’s surprising,” he says. “These guys are always looking for a competitive edge, but for some reason most of them don’t want to have anything to do with this drug, even though it seems to have the potential to make you a better player and person without a lot of the drawbacks of other performance-enhancing drugs.”

Tebow, though, says that classifying HGH as “performance-enhancing” is not necessarily accurate.

“It sort of does the opposite,” he says. “It takes away your need to perform. When you’re on it, you don’t feel the need to prove yourself. You don’t feel like it all depends on you. But this usually ends up helping you perform better anyway.”

The drug has its skeptics, though. Many former players have weighed in with their opinions, including legendary Broncos quarterback and current executive vice president of football operations John Elway.

“Yeah, I mean, it could help,” says Elway. “It’s not impossible. But as far as I can tell, reading the Bible has never made anyone better at football. Not unless they’ve already mastered the three-step drop and timing patterns, which Tim still needs to make a lot of improvement with.”

The news comes as Tebow prepares to make his first start of the season this Sunday against the Miami Dolphins.

“No doubt about it, the HGH definitely has a lot do with me becoming the starter,” says Tebow. “It’s not the only reason, but it helps me in everything I do. I’ll definitely be taking an extra couple doses this Sunday morning.”